The most dangerous football team to ever tred on a pitch were Colombia's national side of the early 90s. Armed-to-the-teeth with slinky skills, they had jheri-curls and blonde afros, partied with Pablo Escobar and married porn stars. Collectively, these players got arrested for shooting off machine guns, imprisoned for kidnapping, banned for testing positive for cocaine, extradited on narco-trafficking and money laundering charges, and then had plastic surgery on their face, live on Colombian reality TV.
After demolishing Argentina 5-0 in Buenos Aires and qualifying undefeated from the South American group stages of the World Cup, people like me and Pele tipped them to do very well in the competition.
In goal was Rene Higuita, nicknamed "El Loco", The Crazy One. He invented the Scorpion Kick.
Higuita was known for taking insane risks and coming out of the goalkeeper's area - which made him prone to howling errors, like when Cameroonian Roger Milla made him look a fool in 1990 World Cup Finals.
Higuita was imprisoned in 1993 after getting involved in a drug cartel kidnapping during which he received $64,000 for acting as a go-between for the drug barons Pablo Escobar and Carlos Molina.
His playing career ended after he tested positive for cocaine while at an Ecuadorian club. Higuita then participated in a Colombian reality TV program show where he had cosmetic surgery on air. Currently, he's hoping to go into management or politics.
My favourite football player when I was a kid was the Colombian captain marvel Carlos Valderrama, nicknamed "El Pibe" or "The Kid". Here's The Kid with his kid.
He had this lazily deceptive style, where he'd play lots of short, simple passes then suddenly snap a killer ball in behind the opposition's defence.
Everyone wanted to get to know El Pibe.
Carlos bro-ing out with Diego.
An amazing, 22-foot-tall bronze statue of Carlos Valderrama was been erected in his hometown of Santa Marta.
Known as "The Octopus" for his long-limbed, bendy and unpredictable style, Faustino Asprilla was world-class striker.
He also posed naked in magazines and married a porn star. He has a big penis, as you can see.
Asprilla loves guns and gets into trouble for stuff like shooting his horse dead, threatening his teammates with a pistol during training, and carrying weapons around in his car.
A box-to-box powerhouse, Freddy Rincon destroyed the midfield and also liked to get forward and score goals. In 2007, he came under criminal investigation in Colombia and Panama, accused of collaboration with cocaine kingpin Pablo Rayo Montaño and suspicion of money laundering. He is currently in Brazil awaiting extradition.
Unfortunately this Colombian dream team FLOPPED at the 1994 World Cup. Shamefully, they even got beat by the USA. Colombian drug gangs were so pissed off that they killed one of the players. Witness said the killer shouted "Gooooooooooooool!" (mimicking Latin American TV commentators) for each of the 12 bullets fired into his body.
That's what it was like playing for the most dangerous team in the world.